Measure of Life...

I think it has been a long time since I put up my last blog.So there had been an impending need for this post.Been stuck up in a Pg coaching centre for obtaining post graduate course it was only natural for frustration to creep up in my life.I realised that I now lead a life which is now defined by the ranks i get, my value in life determined by the people in front of me.Being a doctor it is not even about how I deal with other lives or how I happy I feel about the loved ones around me.I feel my life has wilted away in the presence of inanimate guides and books which can offer no long lasting fulfillment in my life.I wonder when I can move on with my life and leave it on my terms.Iam tired of my mental state of happiness fluctuating according to the random ranks that get.I feel there is so much more value to my life.If today was my last day I would prefer it been spent with my loved friends,having a good laugh in perfect hapiness...Being a doctor I wont mind it if it was spent in service of others.But my entire life would have been meaningless if the best time of my life was spent with a few "cut-copy-paste" books.I guess Im not meant for this rat race which im running...

A universally acknowledged truth...

Very rarely does a character 200years old continue to intrigue and be loved by its readers as it did at the time of its inception.Jane Austen's Elizabeth Bennet possessed vivacity and independence that very few women in this modern age acquire.She easily dwarfs her hero Darcy in terms of sheer strength of character and depth. Jane Austen proved that a novel needn't be as overwhelminghly epic as Tolstoy's Anna Karenina or as philosophically deep as Dostoevsky's Brothers Karamazov to enthrall generations.The setting was as simple as a ballroom... the centre themes as straightforward as marriage and society...Yet Austen emerges equivalent to any literary giant.Her novels always endeared to females.It was never overtly feministic yet you could always find women who believed in female empowerment and choices her central characters. Our world will always be poorer for the fact there will only be six completed novels written by her since she succumbed to Addisons disease.Biographers trace her life as a quiet one spend in writing, reading and music.We may have failed to come up with one authentic portrait of her.Yet her undeniable genius and creativity is perfectly painted in her novels.My personal obsession with Jane austen has extended over years...Its just that inspite of being created two centuries ago Elizabeth Bennet possess the sort of liveliness,adorability and sprit that even the most modern women are devoid of...

TIME...

It has taken me more than one year to come up with a blog entry.I guess this could be primarily attributed to how lazy I was to do something creative. Our life has became so rich and sophisticated in terms of the technology that we use.(Iam a total techno retard so I will not delve into details).Yet we are still not rich enough to buy back a past precious memory of time spent with a dear friend.We cant go back to a time were we laughed like an idiot in school or jumped around in joy in our college days..One day you are healthy,happy and young and suddenly you are old ,crippled and full of uncherished dreams.And no matter how much money or technology that you may claim to have you are poorer when it comes to the happiness that you own. Time is perhaps the cruelest force of nature.It snatches away the ones you loved,the times you enjoyed and the life that you lived.And you are left with nothing but reminiscence of the past. I cant act goofy like I used to with my school friends and probably two months from now I wont be able to share those wonderful times I used have with my dormitory mates.One day not far from now I have to act grown up devoid of all the craziness and the childishness Iam associated with.Chronologically Iam a 24 year old grown up woman.Yet at heart Iam still the same old girl with boyish haircut and laughing face who lived every moment of her life to the fullest..Guess Oscar Wilde was right when he said.”No man is rich enough to buy back his past….”

Hey ya!

I look back at my previous posts and I look back at them with disdain.How childish were some of those posts.And I am so sure that I will look back at this present post with the same sentiment.

It was in the wee hours of morning today,probably at 5.30.And I felt aloof and forlorn.Just then the tiny black mp3 chip on my table caught my glance.My mp3 player had so faithfully served the dual purpose of playing me songs as well as being my "first escape mechanism" when I wanted to run away from everything in life.

I listened to a song called "Hey ya!", by the Outkast.And then just like how songs can bring us back to our past, I began to reminisce about the days when I used to listen to the song.

The song had found its discovery way about six yrs back when I was a dumbwit 17 yr old.Incidentally it was the very first song that I had downloaded on my computer.At that time it was the most downloaded song in i pod and was one of the only two songs of the mellineum that had made it to the Rolling stones list of "500 greatest songs".But what was catchy to me was its outrageous nutty video(based on the Beatles video of the 70's),the simple drums beat that was the soul of the song from the beginning till the end and its logic defing lyrics like"Dont want to be your caddy,just want to meet your daddy " or "whats cooler than being cool?ice cold!!".At times I used to add my personel grooves and dance moves to the song.Everyday it was the same routine.Iused to come back from school,fling my bag away,wont pause even to have lunch and then listen to this song for about as many times as I wanted.About six yrs later the song found its resurgence when I was a dumbwit final yr MBBS student.Funny part was even then I hadnt grown tired of its wackiness and it still never failed to put a smile on my face when I used to ponder about the trivialities of my life.

Then I realise maybe everyone needs somthing that would cheer them up when they feel desperate.For some its talking to the person thay love,for some its going to a place they liked.Yet for some others like me its listening to songs they love and writng a blog.So when I feel that Iam good for nothing or no one would respect the gibberish crazy stuff that I want to talk about I would probably sneak into a internet cafe and writ total crap like this.....And for the record I can very well imagine myself tapping myself to this song even when Iam 50-60 old woman....he..he...!

A letter from a medical student to a patient....

Dear friend,
This letter comes out from someone from whom you would had endured torture in your most unfortunate period of sickness.I, personally have gone to check your reflexes when you could barely move,tap on your chest when all you wanted was to just sleep and put a stethescope on you when you were too tired.We were cruel at times because inspite of being laden back with some of the hardest times of your life and even at the brink of death we still deprived you of your right to be peaceful.

But deep within our hearts you have to know that we wished for your health.We have wished that your 1yr old child would not lie in bed with a heart disease but can play and live like just any other kid..... We have wished that you were not so near to death but could have many more years with your loved ones.....And we have wished that you could move around like everyone with dignity and not have to depend on others even to satisfy your basic needs

You have been extremely kind and compassionate to us.. We know how irritating it is even when when has to speak with a sore throat or go around with a running nose...But you have been much more than that.You have been paralysed from top to bottom,been coughing up blood and gasping for breath... Yet you didn't shove us away from you.We have learnt more that we would from any text books.And you have taught us to be better human beings.

I cant promise you anything in return.I don't think we will see anyone of you again.But we can promise you one thing...Years from now when your children or loved one come to us with a sickness we would look upon them not as we did now.But to actually relive them of their pain.We would have forgotten your names,your faces... But you would be remembered in every patient that you would have helped us save with your co operation and selflessness.

With regards,
A medical student.

Hope and a little bit of hopelessness...

So after having gone through days of exams which has already barbequed my brain and caused it to shut down I had to do something which would revive me in some way.... It has been a full cycle. After a very long time I have come back to doing the one thing which has bought contentment and pleasure in my life..... "Writing total idiocy".


The loveliest two things which God has endowed us human beings are love and memories.So even if a medical student like me forgets something very elemental as remembering the name of all the carpel bones or the normal value of thyroid hormones I still remember those trivial yet treasured moments in my life like having a silly chat with my friends or riding at the back of my father's bike.And that is because we need these memories to derive the meaning in life or we need them so that we can hope..

Every person finds the fragrance in ones life because we hope.We hope that no matter how badly we have done an exam we might still pass,no matter how defeated we may be we will still win and no matter how distant our loved ones are we still have the same love.Sometimes it defies logic and reason but we still hope..like how we could still retain the innocence of a child or be with your parents for eternity.

I didnt have anything in particular to write about.As I said I had reached the end of my thinking capacity.For a few days I had been driven by this rage.. this hopelessness that I would reach no where in life(must have been the exams).I have revived myself a bit though a still down in dumps.So next time I might come up with something more thoughtful to write about..ciao..

Joy...

I looked at the date of the last post that I have entered and I realised that it has been more than a year.The truth is I have never been able to come up with something worthy of been put up on public display.

I have been a medical student for the past 3years.I had joined this course with idealistic expectations of serving the humanity,easing the pain of people and bringing a differnce to their lives.Sadly nothing of that sort had happened in the first year.Then we got on with our clinical postings.Except for Medicine,Pediatrics and few other postings I rarely felt the passion that I had hoped to feel for myself.I kept on reminding myself that it was a noble profession.. one which people kept close to the status of the Almighty and one which called for the humanity in oneself rather than mere talent or skill.

However two weeks back we(that is 11 of us) had our casuality posting.It is in this posting that one gets to acquint oneself in handling medical emergencies.People came with stab wounds,RTA(road traffic accicdents),acute breathlessness,abdominal pain so severe that they were virtually rolling about their beds.We saw men big build and strong ,often men in uniform with tears in their eyes all asking for a mild relief in the severe pain that they were goin through,we saw children with gruesome injuries who were just too young to die.. but still died anyways,we saw old people nearing death but still afriad of death in equal measure... and we saw people with so much suffering that all they wanted was to just die and relieve themselves of the pain they were suffering.

Since it was a casuality most of the times it would be a duty MO OR house surgeon who had to take care of the situation.A specialised doctor would be called in only if the situation demanded.Most of the times even we had to step in doing odd little things for them.And we could see the the sheer joy and pride in their faces when they were able to save them from the brink of death or to relive the pain they thought will never end.In a small way it would also fill us with joy..joy that you dont get when you watch a soccer match or a movie.. joy that youdont get when you win something.. joy that you dont get when someone gives you a complimentthat it was an UNPARELLELED JOY that was eternal and long lasting.You can read the hippocartes oath how many times you want.. you can read articles about the glory of medical profession.But until you experience for yourself you wouldnt even come close to knowing what that joy means.Mind you.. I still havent throughly experienced that joy..But I now know that no matter how many sleepless nights I spend.. no matter how many hours I toil and sacrifice..its still worth experiencing that joy...


I would also think of bringing people who commits thse crimes and showing them.."This is the guy whom you stabbed.. this is the child you drove your van over..how easy was it to commit these atrocities.. but how difficult is it to give tham back that normal happy lives that they once led..how difficult is it to wipe away the tears that their mothers have wept."One thing I can vouch for is that no matter how good a doctor is most of the times he can never bring that perfect human that GOD created.I also request you to not to be self destroyer as well.We see people smoking themselves to death.People whose hands and feet have been amputed and yet continue to smoke.. people who still drink to point of not recognising the mere joke that they turn out to become.. You wouldnt realise the importance of life unitil you realise how difficult it is to give it back when you are about to lose it.....